Why Your Wedding Is Obscene Just Like Everyone Else's
Weddings used to be a celebration of love. Today, weddings are an event—kind of like WrestleMania.
Released on 4/29/2015
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Weddings used to be the celebration
of a couple's marriage, with friends,
family and loved ones.
Today, weddings are an event, kinda like WrestleMania.
Because people don't just get married
and throw a party anymore, no.
Now they gonna make a giant spectacle
out of the whole thing.
And now for your main event,
Kimberly and Marty Stuart-Festerman.
The average wedding in the United States costs $25,000.
$25,000 for one day.
That's over $1,000 an hour.
That's (beeping) insane.
For that money you could buy a new car,
put a down payment on a house
or pay for one year of college tuition
or get like 25 mid-class hookers.
I imagine, I'm not really sure, I'm guessing here.
Weddings have just become a giant competition
to see who can trump who.
But in the end, they're all the same.
Every god damn wedding now comes standard
with mason jars, string lights, photo booths
and some silly song and dance
to introduce the wedding party.
Gee, it's almost like I didn't come to
this identical wedding last weekend.
And then two weeks before that.
Couples are constantly overplanning weddings.
I like live music just as much as the next person,
but there's a time and place.
Nothing is harder and more awkward to dance to
than a rendition of a Nicki Minaj song
sung by a group of 50 year old white dudes.
Just do what everyone else does
and hire the DJ who isn't up to speed with current music
and only plays songs you asked him not to.
If you're really lucky, you'll get to be a part of a photo
where the wedding party is pretending to run away from
some photo shop thing that's chasing them.
Kinda like in this photo.
Really feel that joke's encapsulated in the photo
that's over my shoulder right here.
Destination weddings are the worst.
Especially if they're in one of the last places on Earth
you wanna go.
Cancun, wow, yeah.
No, that sounds like a super time.
When is it again?
I don't know I think I have a softball game that weekend.
If I'm going way out of pocket on this thing
and have to take time off of work,
for god's sakes please make it a destination worth going.
What is this, senior trip?
Let's bog some beers and I'm gonna marry Michelle.
And if you throw a wedding that doesn't have an open bar,
then I think you've greatly underestimated out friendship.
In fact, I think I'm gonna need that present back,
come to think of it.
In the end, every single wedding
will most definitely incorporate
what you've grown to expect:
the constant waiting around, terrible food,
and that drunk older dude
who won't stop hitting on your date.
Just take comfort in knowing that some day,
you'll be that drunk older dude.
The circle of life.
♫ In the circle of life
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Today this is the standard nomenclature for the place
that will most definitely have some pontificating (beeping)
in a vest explaining to you the difference between
single and double malt whiskey.