Why You Should Avoid Bars at All Costs

Walk into any drinking establishment and you’re all but guaranteed to encounter a douche in a vest behind the bar. John Elerick explains why bars are the worst places to actually drink

Released on 4/13/2015

Credits

Starring: John Elerick

Watch more John Elerick at https://www.youtube.com/JLE

Transcript

00:00
Throughout history, there have been many different names
00:01
for public drinking spaces: saloons, taverns,
00:04
and pubs to name a few.
00:05
The area in which the bartender mixes
00:07
and serves drinks is known as the bar.
00:09
Today, this is the standard nomenclature for the place
00:11
that will most definitely have some pontificating (bleep)
00:14
in a vest explaining to you the difference
00:16
between single and double malt whiskey.
00:18
Thanks for the history lesson, pal, I use Wikipedia too.
00:21
But I just ordered a double whiskey,
00:22
handed you my credit card and said leave it open.
00:24
Clearly, I have no interest in learning anything tonight.
00:27
That's the trouble, though: today, everyone's an expert.
00:30
You're constantly bombarded with information
00:32
you didn't ask for about things you could care less about.
00:35
What type of beer do I want?
00:36
How about one I (bleep) heard of.
00:38
You shouldn't have to hand me literature
00:39
that explains what it is I'm about to order.
00:41
I just want a lager, okay.
00:43
It's the most common type of beer in the world.
00:45
What's that?
00:46
Oh, you don't sell lagers, of course you don't.
00:48
Why would you?
00:49
You only have 126 different kinds of beer.
00:51
Just give the me the one with oatmeal that has Reserve
00:53
in it's name, the funny dude with the mustache on the label.
00:56
And God forbid you order one of the signature cocktails
00:59
because that's gonna require six months to make.
01:01
It would take less time for you to grapple the idea
01:03
of running a marathon, ultimately decide to,
01:05
join a running club that trains four times a week,
01:07
meet new people that you eventually call friends,
01:09
and break boundaries you didn't know were possible
01:11
as you place in the top ten percentile
01:12
of the New York marathon.
01:14
You could do all of that and go back there.
01:15
He's still making the drink, he's testing it
01:17
with his little straws...
01:20
No, it's not right.
01:21
And when you eventually do get your drink they come standard
01:23
with a giant ball of ice that could easily double
01:25
as an assault weapon and costs more
01:27
than a month's subscription to Netflix and Hulu,
01:30
it's only okay.
01:31
Also, why the hell is there a dress code?
01:33
I'm in a designer shirt and shorts that cost more
01:35
than your car, but this chick who's barely wearing anything,
01:37
don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, she's cool.
01:40
Seems like a pretty flawed business model if you ask me.
01:42
Who do you thinks gonna move more inventory?
01:44
Guy with the substance abuse problem,
01:45
or the lightweight who's drunk after half a sip.
01:48
I didn't have any dinner!
01:49
You know what, I'm never coming in here again.
01:51
This used to be my favorite bar,
01:53
then it turned into a goddamn speakeasy.
01:54
And you do realize speakeasy
01:56
is an antiquated term, don't you?
01:59
I forgot who I'm dealing with.
02:00
Of course you knew that, you know everything.
02:02
Actually, sir, speakeasy comes from the Prohibition Era
02:05
when alcohol was banned.
02:07
It's probably safe to say if there isn't a neon sign,
02:10
a television, or an obscene amount of banners in sight,
02:12
you might wanna drown your sorrows elsewhere
02:13
because if you drink in there,
02:15
you might end up drowning yourself in the bathroom.
02:17
Uh, it's 100% organic absinthe.
02:20
Thanks again for watching, be sure to follow on social
02:22
and subscribe and check out other episodes.
02:24
Dating is a verb, a relationship is a noun,
02:27
a verb is an action while a noun is a thing.