Kumail Nanjiani Goes Undercover on Reddit, YouTube and Twitter

On this episode of "Actually Me," Kumail Nanjiani goes undercover on the Internet and responds to real comments from Twitter, Reddit, Quora, YouTube and more. Does Kumail use his computer science degree in Silicon Valley? What did he first think of the United States when he moved there from Pakistan? STUBER is in theaters everywhere July 12

Released on 6/25/2019

Transcript

00:00
I am Kumail Nanjiani and this is Actually Me.
00:04
[light music]
00:08
This is from Quora.
00:10
Does Kumail Nanjiani use his computer science degree
00:14
in Silicon Valley?
00:15
Absolutely not.
00:16
No idea what's going on.
00:18
I pretend to type on the computer,
00:20
and they have a thing set up so that it fills in as it goes.
00:24
I did have a computer job after graduating college,
00:27
but I was very bad at it.
00:28
I would tell people to restart their computers a lot.
00:31
I remember some terms, Javascript, HTML,
00:35
hard drives, motherboards, keyboards.
00:40
Power adapters, memory, delete key.
00:44
Can I take this one again?
00:46
Yes, I use my computer science degree on Silicon Valley.
00:49
It's the single most important
00:52
thing in my life.
00:53
Submit, cause I hit the enter button.
00:58
IMDB.
01:00
[light music]
01:01
One of my trivia is
01:02
Is a huge fan of Hugh Grant, true so far.
01:05
He decided to start a stand-up career after being impressed
01:08
by Grant's performance in Four Weddings and a Funeral.
01:11
Yes, that is true.
01:12
His best man speech at the beginning of Four Weddings
01:15
and a Funeral made me wanna be a stand-up and I basically
01:18
was copying his delivery from that one scene for the first
01:23
solid five years of my career.
01:25
Hugh Grant has no idea,
01:27
so hopefully he doesn't Google Huge Grant plus Kumail.
01:30
Submit.
01:31
What did Kumail Nanjiani first think of the U.S.
01:34
When he moved here from Pakistan?
01:35
That's from Quora.
01:37
And the two tags are Kumail Nanjiani
01:39
and US - Pakistan Relations.
01:41
That seems, you're really overstating the import
01:45
of your question here.
01:47
Well, first I came to the U.S. I went to Iowa and that was
01:50
very different from the America that I had seen
01:52
because I had seen the movies and that's Los Angeles
01:55
and New York, I thought America was very quiet,
01:58
that there were a lot of farms,
02:00
and it smelled like alfalfa.
02:02
And that everybody looked very friendly, I remember that.
02:05
Also, that the portions of food were huge.
02:07
I remember when I first got to college,
02:10
it was orientation and the only students who were there
02:13
were the international students which was me,
02:15
and the only other kids that were there was the football
02:18
team and so I remember standing in line for food
02:21
and it was just like these gigantic men in front of me
02:24
and I was like oh wow, everyone here is way bigger
02:27
than I am because in Pakistan I was one of the taller people
02:30
and then I was standing behind these guys and
02:33
their legs were bigger than my waist
02:35
and I was like, this is bad for my confidence.
02:39
Anyway, have not fully recovered.
02:41
Submit.
02:43
Wikipedia.
02:44
[light music]
02:45
At 18, he moved to the United States and attended Grinnell
02:48
College in Iowa, from which he graduated in 2001.
02:52
He completed a double major
02:53
in computer science and philosophy.
02:55
That is all exactly true.
02:58
In 2019, Nanjiani will co-star in Men in Black International
03:02
which will be released on June 14th, 2019.
03:05
That is true.
03:06
I play an alien so you won't see my face,
03:09
but you will hear my voice.
03:11
I'm a little alien frog, lizard, thing.
03:14
[light music]
03:16
Nanjiani will also star in the action-comedy Stuber
03:19
which is set for release on July 12th, 2019.
03:23
That is also true, that's me and Dave Bautista,
03:25
that movie will be out July 12th, 2019.
03:28
It's great, watch it.
03:30
Twitter.
03:33
Where can I find love like Kumailn and Emily V Gordon?
03:37
I don't know, I just got very lucky.
03:40
Do stand-up comedy and get heckled by the love of your life.
03:43
That's a good start.
03:44
That is how we met, I was doing stand-up and she heckled me
03:48
and then I tried to look for her after the show but she
03:49
was embarrassed and she left.
03:51
The next night, ran into her somewhere.
03:53
She did turn me down.
03:55
But we exchanged phone numbers and then a couple days
03:57
later she texted, she was like, do you wanna get
03:59
a plutonic dinner and I said sure, I know what that means.
04:03
So do that, click.
04:05
Fred asks, are you more fit than ever?
04:08
I love the beard.
04:09
Really like Fred, he's fucking on it.
04:12
Thank you on the beard, I am not more fit than ever.
04:14
The most fit I was, was literally right when I met Emily.
04:19
I was like working out all the time,
04:21
and as soon as I met Emily I was like okay, I can start
04:23
eating french fries again.
04:26
I made a resolution I will be more fit than ever
04:28
this year, so ask me in six months.
04:31
Sumbit!
04:32
I know you are super busy with your Hollywood stuff
04:35
and I wish you the best,
04:36
that sounds sarcastic, I wish you the best
04:39
but do you have any plans to make more
04:40
Indoor Kids guest on Harmontown again soon?
04:43
Your podcast fans miss your voice!
04:45
I will definitely be backon Harmontown.
04:48
Indoor Kids is a more complicated question
04:51
'cause Emily and I do that together.
04:53
But definitely wanna do one final episode
04:56
and I talk to Emily all the time about it.
04:58
If I had to bet, I would say yes,
05:00
we will do at least one more episode.
05:04
Kingdom Hearts was the first game to make me cry.
05:06
What video games have caused strong emotions for you?
05:10
When I was a kid on my Super Nintendo,
05:12
I had a game called Secret of Mana and it was very hard
05:15
to find in Pakistan and I got it
05:16
and I loved it, and I hadn't beaten it
05:18
and my friend was like can I borrow it for a couple of days?
05:20
And I gave it to him and then he claimed that thieves
05:23
broke into his house, tied him up and stole the game.
05:25
I don't know if that really happened but that game
05:27
made me cry because I lost it.
05:30
Submit.
05:31
I feel like pizza often steals nacho's thunder.
05:34
Are we agreed?
05:35
Are you saying that nachos are better than pizza?
05:37
That's so fuckin' crazy.
05:39
Nothing against nachos, but if nachos sit there
05:41
they get soggy and inedible,
05:43
you have to eat nachos within like 10 minutes of them
05:46
being made whereas pizza, I mean cold pizzas a thing,
05:49
you can eat pizza later, you can heat it up.
05:51
I can't believe I'm even talking about this,
05:53
it's so obvious that pizza is better than nachos.
05:56
So no, Michael Truly, we are not agreed.
05:59
Next.
05:59
Redit.
06:01
[light music]
06:03
What is Pakistani Denzel?
06:05
I am Pakistani Denzel.
06:06
The question should be who is Pakistani Denzel.
06:09
So this is from an episode of Silicon Valley, Season One.
06:11
I said You know in Pakistan,
06:13
they call me Pakistani Denzel?
06:14
Which is crazy because in Pakistan they would just call me
06:17
Denzel and it made it into the show, and it stuck.
06:20
It's sort of been referenced ever year
06:22
in increasingly more sarcastic terms on the show.
06:25
Which I'm not thrilled about,
06:27
but I am Pakistani Denzel.
06:29
Submitted.
06:31
Instagram.
06:32
[light music]
06:33
What's your favorite parmigiana?
06:36
This is gonna be controversial.
06:38
It's not my favorite kind of sandwich.
06:40
It's too much I think.
06:42
'Cause I think the chicken is fried
06:43
and then there's mozzarella and then there's marinara,
06:47
it's too messy, I don't like messy foods.
06:49
Like I love burgers but if the burgers too messy,
06:52
I won't fuck with it.
06:54
Like if I get something on my clothes it ruins my whole day.
06:57
I love unhealthy foods but whenever I eat it,
07:00
I really feel like it's hanging out
07:03
for a while and I don't like tomatoes on my sandwiches.
07:05
Just like a wet, cold thing in there.
07:08
No thanks.
07:09
So, my favorite kid of parmigiana is
07:13
one that's not?
07:14
Sorry.
07:15
More Twitter.
07:16
Why do you make that face all the time now?
07:20
Feels like a very aggressive question.
07:22
I did read an interview with Hugh Grant where
07:24
he said that he doesn't like smiling and so I honestly
07:26
didn't smile in pictures for a long time and now I'm trying
07:29
to smile while also controlling the urge to not smile.
07:32
I can sort of do the worm with my eyebrows.
07:35
I did practice it a lot as a kid.
07:37
It was like maybe I was 12 and I was like
07:39
this is how I can get girls.
07:42
Didn't work.
07:43
Also, his name is Small Dingus.
07:47
Why do you make that face all the time now?
07:49
Why do you have a small dingus?
07:53
Thinking he's pretty bullet proof, I don't know,
07:55
I can't make fun of him because he's already gone there.
07:58
Next.
07:59
Kumail, it's late and I want to watch the X-Files.
08:02
Which episode is your favorite?
08:04
So my favorite episode of the X-Files is an episode
08:06
called Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose
08:10
but if you're not a big X-Files person,
08:12
that's not the first episode you should watch.
08:14
If you're a fan of the X-Files and you also are okay
08:17
with horror stuff that's scary,
08:19
there's an episode called Home,
08:21
that is one of my favorite X-Files episodes.
08:23
It's only aired like once or twice on TV 'cause so many
08:26
people complained, but it's a really good episode.
08:29
I've watched it many times.
08:31
Submit.
08:31
So apparently, at some point,
08:34
I tweeted Bananas are the Beatles of fruit.
08:37
And someone said, as in not as good
08:39
as everyone wants you to believe?
08:40
I honestly don't know what I meant by that.
08:42
I don't really know the Beatles that well.
08:44
But I do think bananas are the best like utility fruit.
08:48
I think that they're completed underrated
08:50
because they come in their own covering.
08:52
You can eat the quickly.
08:54
Most people open bananas from the stem side,
08:57
monkeys open bananas from the other side
09:00
and it's actually way better
09:01
and you have a little handle to hold it with.
09:04
I don't ever say monkeys do it, so you should.
09:06
But I would say they are the authority of bananas.
09:09
I also want to say one other underrated fruit
09:12
is the pear.
09:13
I don't think enough people talk about pears,
09:15
they don't get enough credit.
09:16
Pear are if apples were good all the time.
09:20
Pears are like if apples gave a shit, you know?
09:22
Next.
09:23
Can you, ellipses, can you believe like this person had to
09:27
like pull themselves together.
09:28
So if I had to really do it, I had to go.
09:30
Can you, uch!
09:31
Can you believe there are people in the world
09:33
that don't like mango!
09:35
No, I cannot believe that.
09:36
Mango is the best, by far.
09:38
And if people don't like mango, they haven't had
09:40
to right mango, I can't believe there are people
09:42
who don't like mango.
09:43
You know my brother doesn't like mango?
09:47
He's a piece of shit.
09:49
Submit.
09:50
Thank you guys for watching.
09:52
That was Actually Me.